She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
