watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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