I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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