i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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