Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
