whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
