you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
