i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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