I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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