good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
