Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
