There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
