my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
