i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
