The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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