You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
