I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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