i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think your dad took our porno
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
