you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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