Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
