ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
