I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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