I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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