update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
