I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i think my tv is drunk
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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