i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
