He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
