My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize