Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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