Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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