i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
