She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
