I hate your face
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
