Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
