Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
