I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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