saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
