Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
