I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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