Banned from zoo.
Again?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
