Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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