Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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