Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
