The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
