I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i think i just lost a toe
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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