my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
