my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Houston, we have a blender
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize