I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
