There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
