david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
