All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize