My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize