between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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