just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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