i used baking grease as lip gloss
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
